Reason you never get drunk and antagonize Sasuke
by AmikaUchiha
Summary: Of all the ridiculous situations Sasuke had ever found himself in, this one took the cake. rated M for chapter 2 language and situation. each chapter is a story
1. Cross dressing and knots from Sasuke

disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. :) Yes everyone's probably OOC, but eh deal with it.

Of all the ridiculous situations Sasuke had ever found himself in, this one took the cake. Sasuke had finally returned to Konoha village and after a 6 month probation, he'd returned to team Kakashi. They'd been sent on a mission (a disgustingly boring mission) to the Land of Waves. Naruto and Sakura seemed closer and were annoying him as ever. He'd tried to tune them out for the last week, unsuccessfully. They were staying at a hotel in a small village around the halfway mark on the way back to Konoha village. Kakashi and Sai were sharing a room, he and Naruto were bunking together(annoying!), and Sakura had her own room.

At the moment everyone was hanging out in Sasuke's room, except Sai and Naruto were missing. Sasuke could do without either's company so he wasn't particularly bothered by their absence. Sakura was making lovey dovey doe eyes in his direction and he was practicing great restraint by not using his chidori.

He'd had enough,"SAKURA STOP STARING!"

She'd begun to pout but before she could say anything the hotel room opened and everyone jaw dropped.

In walked Naruto and Sai hand in hand, Naruto had on a wig that looked like Sasuke's hair and Sai had a pink wig on. Sasuke gave both his death glare and Sakura remained quiet with her mouth in the shape of O. Sasuke noticed that Kakashi had dropped his Icha Icha novel(shocking) and was pulling out his camera sensing a youtube video about to happen.

Both Naruto and Sai were obviously drunk on saki. Sasuke rolled his eyes and decided to let both drunken morons dig their graves deeper before clobbering them.

"Sasuke-kun! I love you," Sai said to Naruto twirling a strand of fake pink hair around his finger.  
"Go away Sakura," Naruto slurred,"I can't be with you, I'm emo!"

*twitch*

Sai fell on the floor pretending to cry and Naruto pranced (yes PRANCED) around sobbing fake Sakura singsong,"I'm teme! I'm teme! I have duck-butt hair!"

"YOU DIE!" Sasuke screamed vaulting off the couch right behind a shrieking pissed off kunochi who already was steps away from punching Sai into oblivion for his crying theatrics and last minute suggestion that she dyed her hair as well as pulling tissue from his shirt as if Sakura stuffs her bra.

Later both drunkards were still bloodied and unconscious. Kakashi chuckled over all the hits his new youtube video was getting as he sighed and went back to reading his beloved Icha Icha while preparing for bed. 


	2. Sasuke's Welcome Home Bash from Hell

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else famous that may be mentioned in here.  
Itachi: now come back to bed...  
Me: O.o yes master! ~wags eyebrows~

Kakashi sighed, putting down his finished Icha Icha and automatically reaching for the newest edition. Peace and quiet and a day off for Icha Icha, could life possibly get any better for a pervy sensei. The loud hyper knock at his door burst his bubble and he scowled, screaming for the number one knucklehead ninja to come in. He knew it was him, no one else would be beating the crap out of his door so enthusiastically, well except that keebler elf, Gai, or the annoyingly youthful Rock Lee. Suddenly he was happy to see Naruto's blonde head appear.  
"Naruto what do you want, we all have the day off you know. Hopefully you haven't been waiting at the bridge, Baka."  
Naruto glared at his presumptuous, if bitchy sensei, and replied," thought you should know that Sasuke's back."

Sakura ran toward hokage tower, well skipped. Her love had returned to her. 'Now we can kill him! Yay, cha!' Her inner was sort of demented and she shook her head to clear the voices therein.

Sasuke was on the receiving end of a third degree from Tsunade, although he was having a hard time focusing with all the emphatic bouncing the woman's xxx sized chest was doing. If the reaction his body was having to it was any indication, it was good to know that indeed, Sasuke wasn't gay. Then Sakura ran in having the immediate effect of ice water thrown on the hormonal teen, he glared at her as she glomped him. She wasn't paying any heed, simply incessantly babbling. He caught a 'Sasuke-kun' here, a 'cha' there, 'love' blah blah, 'death', his eyes snapped in her direction as he pried off the insane pinky. She shrieked and tried to hold him harder, he activated his chidori and she backed up quickly.  
"Kill her otoutou and then go bang the hokage," the little miniature ghost of Itachi said blandly from his shoulder, Sasuke rolled his eyes and flicked the mini-murderer off his shoulder. Sakura seeing this, ran in due speed to catch the cute thing and save it. She then spent the next forty-five minutes hugging and kissing Itachi as Itachi screamed and tried to stab her with his katana which was as ghostly as he was and thus unable to hurt the living. "Here I thought I got a repreive from hell in haunting you, otoutou. It seems I was mistaken." Sakura cackled in happiness at the sound of Itachi's little voice which was not unlike Alvin and the Chipmunks'. Itachi was glaring at Sakura and desperately wishing for his Amaterasu as she held him in her hands and petted his head. Sometimes being a ghost sucked. Sakura shoved Itachi in her pack and turned back to Sasuke, who was thouroughly amused and smirking at this point, deciding the pinkette could live as long as she was tormenting his brother.  
"Sasuke-kun, I've decided to leave you for Itachi-kun, he's cuter than you." With that, the pinkette flounced out of the room and disappeared. Sasuke grinned, good, both of his vile tormentors gone in one whack. His celebration didn't last long, in walked Naruto and Kakashi.  
"So Teme, decided you couldn't live without us, huh."  
Sasuke glared at the village idiot and turned back to the hokage,"is it too late to request death as a punishment for my defection?"  
Tsunade's lips twitched as if she wanted to grin for a second,"Yes, you're going to live with Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Kakashi for the duration of your probation in the Uchiha mansion. That is your punishment for your defection."  
"Hn. It seems my brother isn't the only one in hell." He left the room followed closely by Naruto and Kakashi.

He walked into the mansion and halted, one eyebrow raising at the sight before him. Sakura was having a tea party, and Itachi it seemed was the guest of honor. Naruto stopped and proceeded to roll on the ground laughing as Kakashi jaw-dropped and then shrugged, going back to his Icha Icha and walking up the stairs, presumably to the room he was occupying. Sasuke actually debated rescuing his brother, this was too humiliating, even for Itachi. Itachi was even wearing a barbie doll dress, hot pink at that, Sasuke noted that disturbingly, it looked good on him. He sighed, not even Itachi deserved this. He sprang into action to save Itachi by knocking Sakura out and picking up Itachi by the back of his barbie princess dress, taking him upstairs to find his clothes.  
"Took you long enough, Otoutou. She was going to make me go on a date with Ken next and I think she's a pervert. Thank Kami that Ken isn't anatomically correct."  
Sasuke smirked, 'maybe this won't be so bad after all', Sasuke thought, grinning evilly from ear to ear. "The dress looks pretty on you Itachi."  
"Fuck you, Sasuke."

After four hours of poking and prodding, Team Kakashi managed to convince Sasuke to come with them to the local bar to celebrate his return. Upon seeing their ensembles, he damn near changed his mind. Kakashi looked normal enough, if Kakashi was a biker. He had a do rag on for Kami's sakes, Sasuke rolled his eyes. Naruto had on an orange suit and looked like what would happen if a pimp and a pumpkin had a mentally retarded baby. Sakura looked like she'd stepped straight out of Barbie fairytopia. Itachi had on his normal Akatsuki robe and Sasuke simply wore his white shirt outfit and purple rope, they looked boring next to the other three.  
Sakura eyeballed Itachi, causing the little man to hide behind Sasuke's duck butt hair. "Sai, get your arse out here, we're ready to go!" Sakura had yelled, then glared at the door.  
Sai came out in a slinky pale blue shimmery short dress and black stilettos, everyone jaw-dropped. "I've came out the closet!" Sai said with a dramatic arms extended flourish. Then he winked at Kakashi, causing the man to fall backwards in absolute horror. "Don't worry, Kakashi, I already have a date." That being said, Zabuza appeared, putting his arm around Sai's shoulders, and handed Sai a dozen roses.  
Sasuke, for the millionth time that day, raised a brow, and Sakura said rather sheepishly, "ummm, I thought Zabuza was dead..."  
"He is, I'm dating his ghost."  
"WHY THE HELL DOES HE GET TO BE FULL SIZED!" Itachi shrieked, uncaring that this was extremely out of character for him, he was pissed.  
Zabuza shrugged and walked off with Sai, leaving everyone else in blatant shock, except Itachi, who was seething and throwing a mini temper tantrum on Sasuke's shoulder. This ended when, after falling on Sasuke's shoulder kicking and screaming, he decided to hold his breath and passed out. Sakura yet again caught her cute little ghostly crush and put him in her pocket.

They arrived at the bar without further incident, except Itachi waking up and escaping Sakura's clutches yet again. He'd been glaring at her the entire walk to the bar and threatening her every time she looked in his direction. She'd merely blew him kisses which pissed off Sasuke as they in his opinion might miss his brother and give him cooties. 'Disgusting bitch,' he thought, glaring at the pinkette.  
He walked to the bar, eager to get the hell away from Team Kakashi and get so wasted that perhaps he would forget all about the troupe of morons he would be having to go home to later. Naruto followed him, so no such luck. He did his best to ignore his brother and the Dobe and ordered an entire bottle of Everclear 191 proof. Itachi started bitching at him about the dangers of alcohol poisoning and he got pissed, immediately pouring an entire shot down the throat of his ghostly harasser. Within minutes, Itachi was plastered and Sasuke was drunk as well. Sakura was trying and failing to pole dance, as she looked dumb as hell, no shocker there in Sasuke's opinion, and fell off the stage. It was at this point the entire bar erupted into cheers including Itachi, who was screaming encore for her to fall again. It was no small grudge he was harboring after all. Next up was Tsunade, which turned out to be a big mistake as she had a 'wardrobe malfunction' and the entire bar nosebled. Half the bar's gay patrons turned straight, Sai included, much to Zabuza's chagrin, and half of the straight male population therein issuing immediate marriage proposals in Tsunade's direction.  
Tsunade had to run out as she was being chased by drunken men including one pint sized Itachi, who gave up the pursuit after almost being trampled. He was even more irritated at this point, as he'd been in the lead. Looked like Jairaiya was going to be the winner and Itachi's jealously boiled over. "Lucky bastard," he hissed, eyeing Tsunade's top on the floor. Sasuke burst out laughing at Itachi's plight and slapped the little man's shoulder knocking him over. Itachi got back up and glared evilly at his brother. "I truly hate you right now, otouto."  
"The feeling is mutual fartknocker." Sasuke simply took another shot of his drink and then got up to dance with some random whore named Karin. Itachi finished Sasuke's shot and went to threaten Sakura, finally having some fun when she drunkenly shoved him in between her boobs for a dance. He happily sighed and allowed her to dance with him as he nuzzled into her wee bit of cleavage with a heavenly smile on his face.  
Sai finally reappeared right then, looking pure miserable at losing to the frog sannin. Kakashi was breakdancing or at least attempting to. He was so drunk he didn't realize that it looked more like something the Three Stooges would do and ended in him looking like he was humping the floor. Naruto was making out with an inebriated Hinata in a corner booth while fending off a drunken Neji's attacks with his unused hand and a foot. The DJ better known as Gaara, then put on drop it like it's hot and chaos ensued. Karin, aforementioned whore Sasuke was dancing with, tried to do that in front of Sasuke, and racked his balls with her bony ass as a result. He hit the floor, cradling his abused genitals in the fetal position. Naruto jumped up to help his best friend and knocked Neji down, who ended up with his face directly between Temari's legs as she'd been lying down in the booth behind him. Temari shrieked and punched Neji sending him flying into the DJ booth on top of a pissed off Gaara. Neji took off running as Gaara's sand pursued him throughout the bar, knocking over tables and various patrons in it's wake. Shino's insects, who were drunk as well due to their host's inebriated state, panicked, and began to swarm the bar, causing all females to immediately panic and stampede en masse toward the door, including one pink haired kunoichi who in the chaos (and ironically enough due to the song title), dropped Itachi on the ground very unceremoniously. Itachi, to escape being trampled yet again, climbed up Ino's leg as she began shaking it like mad, trying to dislodge the spider she was sure was crawling up her leg while screaming,"Shika-kun, kill it!"  
Shikamaru, only to comply with his date's request, bent her over away from him and yanked her skirt up, exposing the fact to the entire bar, that Ino had neglected to wear underwear. Ino schreeched at the top of her lungs and darted out of the bar with a horney lazy arse right behind her in an unusual display of energy. Itachi had grabbed onto the doors as she'd passed them and was holding on for dear life. Sasuke, after finally composing himself, marched out the door toward home, pausing only long enough to grab his brother and put Itachi on his shoulder. Itachi actually hugged Sasuke's neck, never being so happy to see his foolish little brother in his life. Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Kakashi bounded after the two. "We have to do this more often."  
Sasuke turned back toward Naruto, sharingan flashing in a glare, "HELL NO!"  
For once, the Uchiha brothers could agree on something. Sakura then began pestering Itachi about playing tea party again, as Sai tried to see inside Tsunade's residence with binoculars while Kakashi tried to steal said binoculars for the same reason. Sasuke sighed, 'chaos as normal.' He was home. 


	3. Big bangs and RC trucks

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else you may recognize mentioned in this story.

The remote control truck zipped around the living room. Sasuke rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the annoying sounds unfolding around him. The rc truck barely missed the rodent and Itachi shrieked,"Damnit woman, learn to drive!"  
Sakura pouted, but did as her mini boyfriend demanded and corrected her aim. The hapless mouse ran under the couch and Itachi howled in rage.  
A bloodcurdling scream coming from the bathroom caused all heads to turn. The rc truck crashed into the couch and Itachi was sent airbourne.

Naruto continued screaming like a girl as he ran into the living room naked as the day he was born. "Teme! Kisame is doing the Jaws thing in the bathtub again!"  
Sakura shrieked, nosebled, and fainted. Sasuke screamed for the baka to put some damn clothes on.  
Naruto looked down and turned cherry red, covering his exposed genitals at the same time. "Hehe, oops." With that the Dobe disappeared back into the bathroom. Sasuke shook his head and watched with sadistic amusement as Itachi tried to wake up Pinky as he preferred to refer to his insane girlfriend. Sasuke smirked when Itachi resorted to slapping her face.  
Sasuke reflected on the events leading up to the weird relationship between his certifiable teammate and his ghostly brother. Itachi had hated Pinky at first, she'd spent most of her freetime kidnapping him and generally terrorizing him, much to Sasuke's amusement. Then the night at the bar where Itachi had been wedged in between Pinky's boobs. They'd 'hooked up' that night and been an odd item ever since. Sasuke did have to admit, Itachi and Sakura were made for each other. Although Star Trek had to be banned from viewing in the house after Itachi's bedroom proclaimations of "To boldly go where no man has gone before" rang through the house loudly, causing creep levels to skyrocket in an already insane atmosphere. Then the other Akatsuki ghosts came to live there and the mansion was now a complete insane asylum.  
Sasuke was brought out of his annoying reverie by Kisame waltzing out of the bathroom with a floral pink bikini on, smirking in a most evil way.

Itachi rolled his eyes and activated his mangekyo, sending the fishman, nicknamed Guppy due to his small stature, into 72 hours of torture. Itachi smirked and slapped Pinky again. Sakura's eyes opened and she glared at Itachi, "Not the face you baka!" She then burst into tears and ran out of the house, wailing in typical annoying Sakura fashion. Itachi sighed and ran into the kitchen.

Two seconds later, much to Sasuke and Kakashi's amusement, Itachi was flying through the air on Deidara's bird and out the front door after Pinky. Deidara ran after the criminal screaming expletives and shaking his fist. His little face contorted into and evil smirk and Sasuke ran to the window for a good view of the mayhem that was about to commence.

*BOOM*

Sasuke rolled on the ground laughing after watching his brother get blown up. "Itachi-kun! NOOO!"  
Sasuke cringed and looked at Deidara with actual sympathy. Deidara ran to the back door, and disappeared.  
Both Sasuke and Kakashi then jumped back from the front of the house and against the wall, looking in horror at the front door, knowing a pink terror was about to come stampeding through it.  
*BAM*  
The door fell under the force of a chakra kick from one seriously ticked off Pinky. Her expression was murderous with the glint of pure insanity. Kakashi gulped and him and Sasuke looked at each other, blatant fear in both of their expressions. Sasuke really hoped she hadn't heard him laughing.  
"Where's Deidara?"  
The most disturbing thing for Sasuke was the calm way in which Pinky had asked that question, as well as the quiet tone. Both scared ninjas simply pointed to the back door while trying to shrink back into the wall.  
Sakura stomped out the back door. Sasuke and Kakashi both sighed and slid down the wall in utter relief.

Ten seconds later, the cat door at the front of the house lifted and Itachi stepped in, coughing smoke out of his lungs. Sasuke was a little disappointed that he was back, but it was better for Pinky's sanity that way. She really was scary and if Itachi wasn't around, he was afraid her eyes would wander back in his direction. 'Hell no.' He cringed even thinking about it. "Where's Pinky?"  
Kakashi didn't pause from his reading, already having pulled the Icha Icha out, "probably ripping Deidara apart limb from limb in the back yard."  
Itachi grinned, lips twisting up in a devious fashion. "I love that woman."  
Sasuke smirked in spite of himself. Naruto walked in the room fully clothed and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. "What'd I miss? Oi, let's get this party started already. :D"  
Sasuke sighed and snagged the bottle from his super annoying best friend, taking a swig, 'why the hell not.' 


End file.
